Love & Marriage (Jacinda Shields)

Being married on the so-called “mission field” is quite an experience. Before my husband and I came to South Africa, many people told us we should be married for at least a year before moving overseas. We were, in fact, married for about 13 months before we shipped out. Now, after about six months living in another country, I find myself being so grateful for the opportunity to do something like this with the person I love most. Many told us that going overseas puts significant pressure on marriages. I have found, however, that the pressures are not any more pronounced than they were at home. We have agreed to make communication a priority and to talk about what’s on our mind instead of sulking to ourselves. This means that we still have petty disagreements about things that don’t really matter, but we are also quick to apologize and talk about how we can fix the problem.

When I came to South Africa I found myself falling into the role of “wife” in a different way than I did at home. In the South Africa that I have observed, many women are the queens of the kitchen but this means not only do they do most of the cooking, but that they also serve the family and any guests to the home. From the first few days I was in the country, I noticed that it was the women who brought plates of food to the men, unlike in my family where the men go to the kitchen and pick out what they want from prepared dishes, where it is more buffet style. The women were the ones replenishing juice jugs and cool drink bottles, keeping glasses filled. This is not what I had been exposed to at home in my circles of family, friends and church. I was interested in the reasons and ways this worked in South Africa. Keep in mind, this is not always the case in South Africa, it does not work this way in every household. This is just an experiment based on what I myself have observed in my travels and experiences in South Africa.

Therefore, even though this was somewhat foreign to me, I decided to do what you could call a social experiment and tried to mirror the actions of my South African hostesses instead of letting my husband serve himself as I would have at home for the most part. These actions included preparing and bringing tea and coffee for the meetings we had with the church pastors and administrators, it included cleaning up plates and dishes after a meal and taking them to the kitchen, it included washing the dishes and cleaning up the kitchen. Of course, many of these things I did at home, but was used to men, for the most part, serving themselves and helping with cleanup.

I began to experiment with not just my outward actions of kitchen service, but also my attitude. I am a naturally outgoing and outspoken type of person and my husband is more quiet and non-confrontational. Since we’ve been married, he has taught me the value of remaining quiet at times, and I have taught him the value of speaking up at other times. We have learned much from each other in this way. In South Africa, I decided to tone myself down, so to speak. This meant that in church situations, I would let Matt take the lead. I wanted him to be the leader and I wanted him to have a more central role, whereas I would stay in the background. Instead of feeling I had to give my opinion on everything, I would keep quiet. I also wanted to challenge my husband to stronger leadership because he is on the road to seminary to become a pastor one day. To do that, I tried to make myself more scarce in conversation and the like . That is not to say that, when asked for my opinion, I did not give it, but I found something that I wanted to focus my energies on, and I tried to let Matt do the same, without interfering with his conversations and relationships. This experiment has not been easy for me, as serving tea and keeping quiet in conversation does not exactly come naturally to me. But it has taught me so much about service and about the love of Christ. Jesus did not always have something to say. He knew how and when to keep quiet. He did not always argue with those who did not agree with him. He did not have some need to be heard or even understood at all time. Jesus was willing to become a humble, powerless human being to save us all. If Jesus was willing to do that, I want to be a woman willing to serve tea to men.

Through this process I have been able to observe the behavior of a few South African women and have learned much from them. There is one woman in particular who I try to emanate. She is a joyful yet guarded woman whose priorities are spending time with “her Master”, caring for her husband and two children, and fellowshipping with church members and neighbors. She does not have a job outside the house but is the “domestic executive”, a term her husband used. Her work is just as challenging and important as any career outside the house would be. I admire this woman for her generous spirit and for the way she cares for her family and friends, with willingness and love.

I am grateful for the humility and spirit of service I have learned while in South Africa. I have enjoyed challenging myself to learn another way to be a good wife. My husband even noticed I was acting “not quite myself” and said something to me, and I explained what I have been trying to do. For me to really learn, I must immerse myself in whatever it is that I’m trying to learn. So I have tried to learn this by doing it myself, not simply observing. An American young woman observing this may think that it is oppressive to women, but doing it myself has taught me to appreciate servanthood in a whole new way.

Jacinda Shields is an ELCA-MUD volunteer serving in Port Elizabeth.